About the Songs: "My Ghost"
"If you wanna haunt me,
and if you have to ask,
then you didn't know,
that it could have been love,
but you chose another,
so I did the same,
but it was hard to go...."
I started this little mini-series within my blog posts to shed some light unto what these songs within my Gold-Plated EP are really about. To be honest, I feel very vulnerable and exposed talking about this one, however I figured I would first open-up about the one that affected me the most.
Not quite sure how to open up about this one without going into a verbal k-hole...
"So we do this dance,
where we're still friends,
and your girlfriend likes me...
Some rules are bent"
You know how people always warn you to never indulge yourself in the pain of unrequited love?
That is pretty much exactly what this song was about.
However, for years (approximately seven years), I kept losing myself in a friendship that managed to keep dragging me back in even when I thought I had moved on. Conversations kept occurring with this person that were, more or less, overwhelmed with unfinished feelings in which led me to believe this was always the person I was meant to be with,
even when I was in other relationships.
I had experienced being in love before but when you have convinced yourself that you have met your soul mate, there is not much that can convince you otherwise.
"Do you love her more
and more every day?
Were you never sure?
Did I make you afraid?"
The real story of what happened between he and I is better left a ghost. There are way too many moving parts between the day we met and the day I blocked him from contact and social media (millennials, psh). After seven years of this off-beat friendship, it was ironic to discover that the person I had fallen in love with was actually no longer in the body of their physical self. Just a broken and confused version of himself, fighting his addictions and losing the loyalty that once lived within him. Watching him give his loyalty to the wrong relationships was ultimately probably what destroyed him. As it does for most of us.
As all unrequited love eventually becomes, it was a waste of time.
He really became a ghost.
While I can name multiple attributes that were at fault, it is simply not worth it to reflect on those things anymore, but recognizing that while the song croons in the chorus:
"It's my fault
It's my fault..."
I am older and wiser to the fact that it is not entirely my fault. It is sad that kind people are usually manipulated into thinking they are the ones who made the mistake.
"Floating through my fingers
like some smoky entity,
It's my fault
It's my fault...."
I keep coming across this quote recently that states, "Other people's feelings are not my responsibility...."
While I do agree with that quote, it also blatantly discounts YOUR OWN actions within a situation and salts the person with a healthy dose of narcissism and subtracts away some of their empathy.
Adding salt and taking away the sugar is a recipe for something, but not true love.
"Yeah, you're like this ghost
inside my brain,
on black and white film,
replaying over again..."
So, perhaps while "My Ghost" is kind of a sad story that I would rather not sing, repeat and remind myself of those times, I am happy that the response to the song has been only positive. While I truly feel sorry for those who can relate to this feeling, it is comforting to know that, as a songwriter, I have reached some souls with it.
"Oh, I'd chase that dream
and let it kill me cold
like a skeleton
near a pot of gold..."
However, there is also something really special and poetic about reflecting on songs of your own that you need to mentally move past. Within these last two paraphrases of the second verse of the song, I tried to paint a lyrical picture of what it was like in my mind's eye to hold and hoard onto these feelings. I truly held on until I reached this person whom I thought was a "pot of gold", and I really did die when I finally reached it. Metaphorically speaking.
"Yeah, we did this dance
but we never sang
You still like me.
Friends 'til the end"
*In the book Women Who Run with Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph. D., there is a story about a woman who gets thrown into a lake by her father and her body rots on the floor of it. A fisherman catches her skeleton on his line and (since this is a magical tale) she eventually is revived by the kindness of this fisherman, falls in love with him and blah blah Happy Ever After...
"So I'll ask you now
while we're still close
after all this time,
Why are you still My Ghost?"
The point of the story is that her relationship with her father was what killed her and the book regards her skeleton as a "soul death".
Actually the suggestion is quite the contrary.
I previously stated above that "my ghost" had possibly gone through so many of these in his past seven years that when we finally came face-to-face once again, he was not the same soul. Perhaps he needed to endure these changes in the same way that I needed to die reaching that pot of gold.
You may be wondering if he knows this song is about him.
The answer is Yes.
Honestly, I have no idea what he thinks of it. It is probably a mixture of "that is really a sweet, beautiful song" and "she's fucking crazy". I don't disagree with either sentiment.
I am who I am. I felt what I felt. My body survived but I am certainly not the same soul, for better or worse, and like... I've got other shit to do.
"It's my fault,
It's my fault...
Floating through my fingers
like some smoky entity
It's my fault
It's my fault
I should have spoke of love
when I still had a chance...."